Loss

I just found out this morning on Facebook that my highschool boyfriend committed suicide a couple of nights ago.  I am definitely in shock at this news and the only word that comes to my heart is "loss."

My understanding is that he and his wife were separated in November and he has a 4 year old son.

I cannot imagine that little boy growing up without his father.  And even though I have not had a relationship with this person for over 20 years, I cannot imagine the world without him in it.

He was my first love and I was blessed to have known him.  We shared something that was unique and special and I will never forget him.  He had a winning smile, a good, pure heart and danced to the beat of his own drummer.  He did not care to fit in, he only knew how to be his true self.  And, as a result, he taught me and gave me the courage to be my true self.

I don't know much about what has happened in his life over the last 20 years, but I would like to think that the man I knew back then was who he really was.  The possibility and potential of that person was the "real" him.

I pray that the family he has left behind will run into the arms of Jesus for healing, as that is the only place to truly heal.  To find the hope to keep living, and not just surviving with the wounds of further loss from this tragedy.  And I pray that our Heavenly Father will welcome him home, where he can spend an eternity healed and set free from the pain of this world.

Letting Go of the Past

God gave me a vision about 18 months ago, that He was placing me on an “ark” of sorts, like He did with Noah in the Book of Genesis.  He was taking me on a journey, washing away the past, bringing me to a fresh start.  The fresh start including, unequivocally, a promised land.  
 

There are many things that God has revealed to me over this year and a half period.  It has been wrought with trials I never expected, periods of waiting and wondering, desperation, hope, joy and healing, and everything else you would imagine.  Waiting on an ark, wondering if you heard God right, if you have finally “lost it,” if He truly is good at His word.

One of the surprising parts of this journey has been how, even when I am focused on a future promise that is manifesting before my eyes in the present, I am still haunted by a past that no longer exists.  That God has literally washed away.  It is aggravating and embarrassing to be sitting here, in this invisible prison, and I am desperate for freedom from it.

I can tell when “the past” is operating in my present.  Here is how it looks.  A new opportunity presents itself (in work, in relationship, with my health and fitness) and my first [fleeting] reaction is joy and my second [more pervasive, lasting] reaction is hesitation and bit of anxiety.  What is up with that?  Well, the answer is clear.  Something “like this” happened in my past and a scar was left.  I am worried that I will do this new thing and it will end badly, like it did “that one time” or several times or however many times “that thing” happened.  Then, a sort of paralysis sets in.  I am reluctant to get started for fear of a repeat of the past.  Philippians 3:12-14 displays the wisdom and prize available when we let go of the past:

Philippians 3:12-14

I think I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. ¹³ No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it,^[d] but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

When we focus on the past, the cost is that all of our energy, hope, joy and focus on God is stolen.  What this scripture says to do is forget the past, look forward to what lies ahead and press on, FOCUSING ON THE PRIZE for which God, through Christ, IS calling us. 

This is not a complex thing to do, but a simple one.   Not necessarily an easy thing to do - clearly, it is hard or we would be doing it.  But it can be done and it is worth it.  Because it isn't worth staying in prison, when freedom is available - even if it is hard fought.  We are assured that we don't need to do this alone - God’s word assures us that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13).  I, for one, would rather practice and fight to stay focused on the prize that God has for me than continue to be enslaved to a past that does not exist anymore!

Peace and love. 

Letting Go of Fear

Fear. 

Fear is definitely something I have wrestled with a great deal in my life.  It is the one evil "spirit" that the enemy uses the most to harass and entrap me.  I believe that there is a reason that God says "Fear Not" so much in His Word.  He knows that this is a big tool of the enemy - it is one of the ways that the enemy comes to "steal, kill and destroy" us, as is stated in John 10:10.  God knows that we will be confronted with situations, people, circumstances in which our first reaction is fear.  However, He doesn't want us to be slaves to fear, as "He has come to give us LIFE, in abundance, to the full, until it overflows." (John 10:10 AMP)  

So the "fear" that I am talking about here is not the initial fear reaction, but being plagued by fear.  Fear ruling and reigning, possibly as long as days, months or even years.  With little respite.  That is the kind of fear I am talking about. 

I really sought God on  this "plagued by fear" idea, out of total desperation.  I wanted freedom from this awful thing.  Initial fear doesn't steal my joy and peace, but living under a prison sentence of fear most certainly does.  God was faithful to bring me to 1 John 4 to get a perspective on this.  He references "fear" in this scripture, and I think the fear he is talking about is the persistent state of fear versus initial fear.

1 John 4: 18 says
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

In reading this scripture, several things jump out at me: 1) that we associate fear with punishment; 2) that God uses love to drive out fear; 3) in the presence of God's love, fear literally has NO place; and 4) when we experience persistent, unrelenting fear, it is because we are NOT experiencing that God loves us (a full revelation of His love is not yet made "complete" or perfect in our hearts and minds...our experience of Him). 

Regarding 1), I absolutely associate fear with punishment.  I am afraid of punishment.  I will try to do things "perfectly" in order to avoid punishment.  And a combination of striving for perfection and the fear that I know I can never achieve perfection utterly wears me out.  And then, I stand waiting for the punishment (God's wrath, not being a good "witness" of Christ, failing as a mother, wife, friend, ministry partner, etc). This is the state that the enemy wants me to live in - the state of fear. 

All of the points above point to Jesus and the complete revelation of what He did when God sent Him to save us.  He saved us FROM DEATH and saved us TO LIFE.  Life eternal and life right now.  The John 10:10 kind of life - in abundance, to the full, until it overflows.  When the enemy can trap me in the fear of punishment, I do not get to live victoriously in my life.   

So what can we do about this?  Pray and receive.  Pray for God to soak us in the deep, abiding knowledge and experience of His Love and pray for the grace to receive it.  Pray for God to help us let go of our grip on fear, to let go of the lie that Jesus's sacrifice and resurrection was not enough to free us from the prison of fear and restore us to live a life of abundance, freedom and love.  And again, give us the grace to RECEIVE ALL OF THIS, which He lovingly and freely and completely gives.