Letting Go of Understanding

For most of my life, I have lived as if understanding a circumstance or situation would give me peace.  If I could just know “why” something happened or what God was doing in a situation and how He planned to “right” the wrong, the answer would be enough to heal a hurt, provide peace or give me some evidence for how and why I can “trust” God.  I am learning first-hand that my need to understand has mostly caused me bitterness, deeper wounding and most definitely, a deep distrust of God’s character and heart towards me.  In short, my need to understand has stolen so much from me that I can hardly believe it.

I think I must have read this scripture at least a dozen times, but I didn’t really experience the wisdom of the instruction until this last season of my walk with God.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Notice how it says FIRST trust in the Lord with all your heart.  It then says AND lean not on your own understanding.  The rest of the scripture is fantastic, as well.  It actually tells you what the next step in “acting” in trust is: in all your ways submit to Him.  And then, there is the promise: and He will make your paths straight.

How often do you find yourself, in a moment of crisis or a crossroads in your walk saying: “OK Lord, what do you want me to DO?”  Well, there it is.  Read it again. No one is hiding the ball, here!

My friend recently went to the Advanced Captivating retreat held by Ransomed Heart in Colorado and she shared something really profound that the leadership team taught at the event.  They said, essentially, that you can either have God or you can have understanding.  If you choose to have God, you will get God (which is really our deepest desire and need).  His Love and all the fruits of the Spirit – that is love, joy, peace, forbearance, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:21-23).  What they said is that if you choose God, you will get all of these things and maybe you will even get understanding (which, let’s be honest, isn’t going to provide much after you have been filled with all of these other things!).

But if you choose understanding (must have it, will not stop until you get it), you will get neither God nor understanding.  I know the severe cost of going for understanding and I can tell you, this one is a no-brainer. 

Peace and joy to you all.

Truth and Lies

God has been speaking to me recently about what I believe about Him and about myself.  I have so many blessings in my life, but the one source of contention that has always been difficult for me is my career.  I am an entrepreneur and an attorney.  This path, while an absolute expression of who I am, is often a devastating part of my life experience as well.  The phrase "one step forward, two steps back" comes to mind.  I think one of the reasons it is devastating is that I often look around and just cannot find a resource that tells me what I am experiencing is normal -- few mentors that I would follow or seek advice on, so to speak.  So, I can start to feel crazy sometimes and as if perhaps the "results" I think I am not seeing means that I am not in God's will.  

God has been faithful to speak into my spirit - a good deal in the last week, reminding me of all the whispers, the nuggets, the resources He has shown me over the years, to encourage and strengthen me.  This IS my path - and that the difficulty itself has been preparing me for the endurance, strength and confidence to live this life, to walk the very path before me.

Isaiah 41: 14-16 (MSG)

Do you feel like a lowly worm, Jacob?
   Don't be afraid.
Feel like a fragile insect, Israel?
   I'll help you.
I, God, want to reassure you.
   The God who buys you back, The Holy of Israel.
I'm transforming you from worm to harrow,
   from insect to iron.
As a sharp-toothed harrow you'll smooth out the mountains,
   turn those tough old hills into loamy soil.
You'll open the rough ground to the weather,
   to the blasts of sun and wind and rain.
But you'll be confident and exuberant,
   expansive in The Holy of Israel!

In reminding me of some of these things, I felt prompted to make a list.  A list of "truth" and "lies" if you will - the truth of who I am because of my identity in Christ and the lies that the accuser would have me believe and live from instead.  When I am in "truth" camp, all is right with the world -- I experience myself as ALIVE -- as all of the things in that side of the list.  When I am in "lies" camp, I am anxious, afraid, condemned - death camp.  I wanted to share this and encourage you to do a similar exercise.  At this juncture of my life, I need a constant reminder of the TRUTH so that I can wake up to what I am thinking in any given moment and choose to believe the truth and live from it.  

John 8:31-32 (NLT)

Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings.  And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

Truth                                                                                     Lies

I am GRACE AND GLORY                                                      I am Much-Afraid

I have the spiritual gift of FAITH                                                I fail to be faithful enough/unbelief


I am strong and beautiful                                                         I am weak and undeserving

I am a beloved daughter – I have captivated the King’s heart       I am an orphan

I am a beloved bride – I have captured the Prince’s heart            I am unwanted/a disappointment

I am fought for                                                                        I am on my own

I am provided for                                                                     I have to [work hard to] provide for myself

I have an eternal inheritance, overflowing abundance                  I will always experience lack

I am a pioneer (courageous, new ground, perseverant)               I am a failure (rebel, irresponsible, alone)

I am victorious – a fighter                                                         I am a loser – unequipped to succeed

I find it intriguing (and far beyond coincidence) that the lie is an exact opposite reflection of the truth.  The enemy knows how much easier it is for me to believe the lie and, as we know, he comes to steal, kill and destroy our "life"  (john 10:10).

Standing free in the truth, from the slavery of the lies, and praying the same for you!

Coming Boldly to the Throne of Grace

For a fairly long season now, God has been impressing upon me the need to take care of my health – mainly, through diet and exercise.  I have been clear that this is His prompting, but the enemy and my own wrong-thinking have entered their opinions and judgments about the “how” of implementing these changes and I am having great difficulty in seeing any lasting transformation in these areas.

I “hear” from God and then I immediately set out to make “my plan” for change.  It inevitably fails because I am weak (in my own strength).  Then the enemy is there to confuse and condemn me.  I then “join in,” agreeing with the enemy’s accusations and finding fault with myself – I am weak and unable to obey God.  More condemnation, which leads to more of “my plans” and more failures.  The maddening cycle continues… 

So, I read this amazing verse from Hebrews 4:15-16 (NLT) and I am reminded of what God has to say about all of this:    

This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

In a first reading, I realize that I am latching on to the fact that Jesus faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin.  Well, good for him.  Wish I could say the same for myself!  My problem is lingering just in that part of the scripture – hence the [self-]condemnation.  But reading in context (ah, the importance of context):  He understands our weakness…and we need to come BOLDLY to the throne of our gracious God…were we WILL receive HIS mercy and we WILL find GRACE to help us when we need it most. 

God never tells us to do anything outside of His strength, His provision or without Him.  He is so ready to pour out all of the resources we need, primarily, His Love, His Grace, His Mercy.

What an amazing God. 

So, I am coming boldly to the throne – as one who belongs in front of my precious Lord, who is invited, who can be naked and unashamed in my weakness.  And from whom I can receive the anointing and the ability to do whatever He has for me to do – and walk in victory and in peace!

From death to life: being transformed from people-pleaser to God-pleaser

Last year, God gave me a word that He was going to transform me from a people pleaser into a God pleaser.  No small task, but if He can make the heavens and the earth and everything in them, He can certainly do that!

This came on the heels of a women's ministry that I was a part of.  Long story short, I was one of the speakers at a weekend-long event and it was one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life.  God was there, He showed up, blessed me and blessed others.  I will never forget it.  Literally, the day after the event was complete, He spoke to me: you will be a God-pleaser instead of a people-pleaser.  He told me that the people pleaser was my false identity and was producing death in my life and that being a God-pleaser was my true identity and would produce life beyond my wildest dreams.

He was totally right.

Looking back, it is interesting to see how He did that big work (still in progress, of course, but much ground has been taken).  He had a two-part strategy: 1) send me ample (difficult, painful) opportunities to practice being a God-pleaser instead of a people-pleaser, and 2) help me to experience and see more and more every day how much He loves me (the "agape" love He talks about in scripture which I have never fully grasped and still don't) and that "experienced" love transforming me, healing me and giving me the courage to put pleasing Him first and above ALL else. 

Regarding part 1, I had to walk away from some important business and personal relationships - that was hard.  He also had me confront some really dysfunctional patterns in some close, permanent relationships.  And God instructed very specifically in each situation to do very different things.  It was confusing and I wasn't sure that I was even hearing Him right.  Plus, the walking away was painful and I have often mistaken painful as primarily a bad thing.  I am learning that there are two types of suffering: good suffering and bad suffering.  Bad suffering has you operating in a painful pattern that produces the same unwanted results.  Good suffering (like going to the gym, fasting, etc) has you stopping or interrupting a broken pattern to a replace it with a good pattern, and produces a desired result.  It only took me 36 years to learn this :)

Regarding part 2, while God was building these atrophied muscles in me (boundary setting muscles, that is), He was simulaneously showing up with His love.  At first, I thought I was imagining the butterflies, the rainbows.  I thought I imagined that He was wanting to just spend time with me.  No agenda, just time spent together.  It all felt frivolous and imaginary.  Why would God send me these things?  Isn't His primary objective to get me "fixed" so I can be a "service robot" for Him?  I was suspicious for sure - mostly of myself and my perceptions of what I thought God was saying and doing.  He even put a random vine on a tree in front of my house, that has never, ever grown there.  And a clear reminder of His word - I am the vine, you are the branches (John 15:5).  I am your Sole Provider, I am your Protector, I am Your Vindicator and Redeemer.  You are my daughter with whom I am well pleased....and so on, and so on. 

He sent me love notes, He sent me spectacular sunrises and sunsets.  Too many love notes to count, but I kept and savored them all.  He sent me to a group of women that I meet with weekly, who wanted to talk about all of the things He has done and is doing in our lives, who are real, who are seeking after Him with their whole hearts.  He lead us to grow closer to Him through all kinds of new ways of seeking Him: through our senses (touch, taste, see, hear, feel), He lead us to some teaching materials about meditative prayer (this is scriptural, by the way) and experiencing Him as REAL.  So many other things He did in this last year and continues to do.

I can tell you that I now experience my true identity as God-pleaser (with only traces of people-pleaser yet to be transformed) and that I am experiencing much more life in my life than I did this time last year.  God has been faithful.  And ALL of the glory goes to Him.

He told me that this year is the year of FUN, peace and joy!  And I cannot wait to see what He will do to bring that about.  So far, he has been accomplishing this through a combination of discipline (obeying Him in some specific areas, namely money and health) AND play/celebration.  But, stay tuned because it's only February...

May you be blessed by the knowledge of how wide, high and deep God's love truly is for you today. 

Choose Life

I have been struggling a fair amount in the last month with spiritual warfare.  If you are not a subscriber to the belief that: 1) Satan is real and 2) he hates us and actively pursues and attacks us in an effort to steal, kill and destroy us and our lives (John 10:10), then don't read on, because you won't be pleased with my position on it and I don't desire to argue about it.

If you do subscribe to this position, read on and see if you can get something out of it :)

In my time with God this morning, I repented that I have forgetten that He is bigger than my problems and circumstances, and a result, I have been choosing death instead of life - and that is EXACTLY what the enemy of my soul wants me to do.  The fruit of that has been panic, fear, dread and hopelessness.  Did I mention the sensation of a burning hot coal in my chest?  You get the picture...

Deuteronomy 30:19 says:
This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live
God clearly states in His word here in Deuteronomy that He has set before us [me] life and death, blessings and curses.  Then he goes on to say "Now choose life."  And then there is the "why:" so that you and your children may live.

This is a rich word and one I want to meditate on.  Every day of our lives, we are confronted with life and death and I wonder how often we are aware that we get to choose which way we will have it.  Often, we don't experience that we have a choice.  We experience that we are more reactionaries or victims of circumstance, rather than people that actively choose.  If I am honest with myself, I tend to see myself not as the chooser of life or death, but the chosen of life or death.  If it's a good day, life has chosen me.  If it is a bad day, death has chosen me.

Let me say more about what I mean by life and death, for purposes of this conversation.

I am thinking of choices that we make that, in essence, produce the spiritual fruit of life and death.  "Life" is aliveness.  When I picture myself being alive, I get an image of myself in warm weather, soaking up the sun, smelling green things growing (praise God for spring!).  All of that imagery gives me the sense of peace, joy, well-being.  That is life - that is aliveness.  When I am not experience life this way, I am in the other camp: "death."  With death, there is coldness, aloneness and decay.   

I have been mostly living in "death" camp for the last month with glimmers of "life" here and there.  And the experience has been curse and the fruit has been coldness, aloneness and decay.

So, here is the rub:  how do we choose life when we find ourselves in a difficult situation?  If the situation is difficult, how can we choose life instead of letting death choose us? 

I don't know the answer to this - I don't know if there is AN answer.  What I do know is that I have struggled with being a "performance-based" person most of my life.  So, I am cautious (always) to jump in and fix myself with "doing."  What I know is you have to start with going straight to the throne for help.  I want to live and I want my children (and my children's children) to live.  I want to learn to choose life well, so that I can experience the fruits of the Spirit more often than not (Galatians 5:22 says: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control).  Again, I know that this won't come through my works or my performance.  It will only come through belief that God can make this progress in me.  The fruits of the Spirit are just that - fruits of the SPIRIT. 

Jesus says in John 15:5 that He is the vine and I am the branch and that apart from Him, I can do nothing.

It will be the challenge of my life to keep remembering that and living it out, holding His hand and walking with Him all the way.  But I trust that He can do all things through me.

Peace to you all.

Welcome!

I have been feeling the writing bug coming on lately and sought God on what the theme of my writing about Him and me would be.  Over the last year especially, He has reminded me of Matthew 7: 14 which says "Small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it" (NIV version; see Matthew 7:12-14 in context).  I am stirred with curiousity and anticipation at the richness of that Word. 

I think when I first "read" this passage, I thought more about salvation than about the word "life."  God is constantly providing fresh revelation about His Word, so for now, I am going to camp a little bit on what He means when He says "life."

This blog is meant to capture my journey with God towards the "life" He has planned, one step at a time.